retreat

as i retreat to safety, as the morning comes, i remember who i once was... i'm not that person anymore... I am renewed.

not surprised...

Torch has disappeared again... and the Young One is spending more and more time away... the others have truly angered me to no boundaries... I am lost and alone once again and there are fewer ways to cope... I find myself dwelling in my coffin longer than usual, and I still have no desire to feed... I need to blood of another...

suffocating...

Torch is out of my reach and the Young One is missing... I sensed another in my territory, but he was gone before I got a good idea of who he really is... I've been feeding ferociously lately, but there is little satisfaction in human blood these days... I yearn for the blood of my own kind, there is nothing so sweet in this living world as to compare with the blood of a vampire. I don't know how much longer I can search these streets alone... Maybe it is time to move away from my beloved coffin, my castle... maybe it is time to find a new home to claim... a new life. But what life is there left for me in the human world... it is no longer mine, I am eternally punished in purgatory on earth, and even that is not my own... there is nothing left here for me.

butterflies... torn at the wing...

blood tears drip from my sallow cheeks... i have stopped feeding... the metallic taste lingers on my tired tongue... Torch has become melancholy and boring... there are greater things to be found i suppose but my heart barely beats in this starvation... i will remain inside the castle doors... we will build reinforcements... where the hell is Young One... this too shall pass.

i don't understand...

i have lost sense of time and lost sense of him... i saw him in a waking dream, but he did not recognize me... when i lay in my chambers i do not feel rest... my eyes remain fixed on the inner linings, and rest does not come... i found Torch today, i mean REALLY found the guy... we used to run together... and we were good together... he got out early before anything real serious could happen.... but today i really felt he's here now... every now and then one of us drifts a bit... but always comes back, even if harsh words ignited... i never really knew what happened... i don't know how we got so far gone... we always made sure the other was good though... late night long distance, and the internet is a wonderful tool... but he never really indulged in who he was... not until now... i'm happy that Torch has come back... but the elders are restless and the young one is slipping... i don't know how this can possibly work... not really, not again... something's gotta give... i've even lost the taste for nourishment and what am i if i am not a blood drinker??? i hear the wind rushing through me... where will i go from here?

shadow...

the human woman's hair flies behind her, she is oblivious to my perceptions... she walks with her bag swinging in her hand, she has no fear in the night... but i know better... the others are coming to me in a way so intense my human self can't comprehend the undead portions of the swirls in my heart... the glittering chaos can be all too much even in this form... the young ones come and go so quickly, there is almost no time to weep for them... i have been searching an elder out and he is doing well hiding from me... maybe it will become a sort of game to us and we will find relief when the game is won... but until then... who will come play with me under the moon in my self delusions and nightmares? there is much to be accomplished my loves...

shrieks...

the moon is beautiful this evening... but there are bats circling my castle letting out horrible noises that pierce my calm skies... i am staying in the castle tonight, despite the many invitations across my worlds to leave and be entertained by the humans who know my name... i refuse to feed tonight, i do not wish to be bothered with the crimson mess that follows... i would rather lay away my time and drift to dreams than try to handle myself in their world... my thoughts have become unmanageable... i do not wish to wonder what will come next, i only want to be left here in my own solitude to see the moon and feel His presence... i know He is there and i cannot read His thoughts... but that is by his own intentions and i will not push for something that is not yet my own. my insides burn with hunger, ah, but what is so novel about that? all creatures must find a source of life, but for me, tonight, it is not to be poured into my veins... i will let them suffer through until i feel stronger... human holds have left me weary tonight... i give in to waking dreams

glass shattered...

i watched the young boy punch out the windows and felt pain for him as the pieces hit the pavement... what torture creates this anger inside someone so young? i meant to end his suffereing but couldn't bring myself to cut into him... i moved on and found a sleeping whore, i'm sure she won't mind the break... i'm heading back to the castle shortly, but before i go i must mention that i saw Him tonight, He was watching me... and i only wished i could go to Him... i wish there was a way to make that journey safely... but there is so much history between us already standing in the way... maybe it will never be...

sirens...

i have traveled farther into my castle after spending time feeding in the city lights... i saw prophet today, ah, he is so young! we find excellent adventures together, mostly of him showing off for me... he is so vibrant and altogether blunt, it's... he is beautiful, but still has not grown into his teeth. i love watching him try so hard, so determined to shock me, and sometimes i humour him and other times i just let him think he's really onto something... i wish he weren't leaving so soon, but, this will allow him to grow... and i suppose i could make time for him in the future, but until then, we have adventures and what else is there really to bleed for? he works at shocking others as well, and this is altogether different, because this, we work on together. we compete to be the center of attention and of course i always win because the males and females of that species find me both attractive and threatening where he has trouble keeping the attention of the males while i strut through a crowd barely speaking... just watching and waiting... i didnt feed off the humans tonight, the mere smell alone revolted me, i swear if i could i would wretch at the sight of them, but really, what would a mistress like me have to give back to the earth in such a situation? even thought Prophet will only be a part of my lie for a very short time, i am quite content to follow his steps... he keeps me well entertained.

as for being entertained, i spoke with an elder today who is part of another ideation, he is not fully one of us... he has a side that is not human, and is not blood thirsty, but part all together different. i have never seen one so illuminous... he goes by the name of Chael, but we all know it's not his human given name. he agrees with me that the human condition is quite unbearable... we had a lovely discussion over just this subjecy this evening... i only wish i didn't feel so protective around him...

i truly have backed myself into a high tower of the castle tonight... i just wish to be left alone for the remainder of my time... and then a deep sleep... often my best spent hours.

four o clocks...

tonight i am completley alone except for the small nightly creature who follows my every step... he is my familiar and lives only for me now... we sit together in the place we met... the place i started out from. it's all familiar, but oh so uncomforting... i fall in and out of love of the peace within the night.. the crimson moon comforts us... he looks out the window, seeming perfectly content while i watch my tears fall onto my wrists... the color of my skin seem so different now... and i fall in love with my skin everyday, and a human would call that vanity and self-absorbance... but really, am I not supposed to love my own tone? i watched the little yellow four o clocks wake up... but it's one in the morning, so i laugh a little on how Mother Nature got a little mixed up tonight. it's amazing to see such small yellow flowers bloom under Luna's guard when they were supposed to wait for Ra. I hear other small nightly creatures roaming through the alley... and I know a man is dying from a gun shot to the head only a few city blocks from this room... how did i ever come to be myself from this place? I feel His arms around me but He is not all here tonight... a part has come to comfort... will i ever really leave? even when I do go I come back... i always end up back where i began... is this all there is?

breath

it is obvious that it is time for me to leave... the arrangements are complicated, but evidently, i do not belong anywhere i have known. i have a chance here... but where will my path take me? i know i am alone in this decision... i refuse to rebel against my better self... even though i often try to stray... i caught the other's scent today, filled with vile and envious thoughts. He doesn't know just how disgusting the other was... it is not my place to spread that rumor.... i have my own plights

there is no place for me

promiscuous...

the burning of branches and leaves fills my lungs, the flames lick at the edges of the living trees... ah, so beautiful... i saw another creature last night, he was not of our kind... but not human... i could see in his eyes he held great pain, but what was he, it plagues me and i am overly fascinated by this mystery creature and i wonder what He would think of the creature, would He figure out its nature??? the humans feeding the flame have noticed me through my windows, which also entertains me, i can read their thoughts tonight easily, they are begging for a true glimpse of my face. i wish and dream for a true companion, maybe i would be less conspicuous if i had a male counterpart to play a role beside me. maybe the males would look at me differently... but it is difficult to find a proper human to bring over and even so, i am much too small to be breathing life into a new one... maybe i will find Him soon, but it is not easy, he hides well within himself... how did i ever come to live in this house... time to move on i believe

centipedes

i hear a woman's laughter and a child asking a question... constant automobiles moving, water dripping, clocks ticking. i become more dizzy each instant, my skin itches and aches... my head pounding, where is the cure? the humans don't realize why they become infected with a need for my soul, so tragic, let me go i do not belong here... that laughter makes me cringe it doesn't belong here not tonight. i hope he's not long... i can't take the pounding why is that woman laughing... i need to feed tonight but that laughter paralyzes me my thoughts race.i am amused by how strange my body feels tonight... where do i belong? always somewhere in between

moon colored...

since I was a human child I have been completely in love with the Man in the Moon. He keeps me company at night, he always has and is the one consistent thing in my life. Souls come and go and gods come and go, but the moon is eternal, He never lets me go. This is a secret no human knows, but I speak to the Moon in my evenings, almost every evening. I learned early as a child that while most humans need sunlight, very few need moonlight as well. I am one of them. I could never stand to be captured or boxed, not without my Moon. Some humans see the Moon as feminine, Luna... maybe it is both, or neither... for me it goes back and forth, but either way does not really matter. The Moon is what I want it to be, something I've made up and chose to believe... it is mine and I will not give it up...

I wonder if he knows I saw him watching me today... I wonder if that poor wretch on the corner realizes she will soon become my feast... maybe I will take her slowly so that she might taste love once more. I do love them all, my precious victims, no matter how well I despise the human race, I show love to them all...

6.6.06

run little humans... where is he? he was supposed to be here by now! bloody hell! i will have to endure this damned day alone and for what? why go on.... no other choice given... just this

summer falls...

as the summer months encroach upon the humans, the smells overwhelm my senses. i chose to linger in the air to remove myself from their stench. i can't seem to find him as usual, always playing these trixie games. i'm sure he's in a bar somewhere enjoying himself while he taunts the females... they are drawn to him quickly, just as the males are drawn to me... but he sees them as mere play things, he has no mercy. i miss watching him feed, he gives me shivers, despite my inability to feel hot and cold any longer. i saw one of the elders last week, which kept me from checking in here... he was well, but frustrated in general over the simple things we cannot change. although our senses are greater and our abilities stronger, we are still binded by many human disadvantages. *sigh* i better move on before i am overcome by this smell and cannot feed at all...

just...

i woke early tonight, and fed quickly before my brain realized what my blood craved. i have not fed much as of late... i have not done much in the way of taking care of myself... what is the point, i will be and continue to be and as far as i know there is no end. only blood and brain and time... forever time. i spend more time studying music than anything else in this world... but even that only keeps me semi-occupied. my blood fixates on his pulse... i hear the heart beat every night, he is close but out of reach and he will know if i come to quickly. i creep closer each night praying i go undetected by him, but more so by the rogue vamp in the corner lot listening to me. he is unaware that i know he is there... but i know he watches me watch the other. blood and brain confused with hunger and passion... a need unfulfilled... a lust ever growing. my veins explode with need of him, but he stays clear. i wonder how much he reads me, how much he knows... how much he wants himself. does he hear me creep below his window? or is he fixated on the rogue as well. the rogue is a threat to my plan, he may interfere interlust... he is only an obstacle to my goal... agony.

Nerezza's Mask

masks...

Every day I put on my mask
It hides me from the world
The people all love it
Telling me I am nice and caring
They come to me for advice and comfort
Laugh at all my jokes and act shocked at my mistakes

When I go home the mask comes off
I become cold as ice, my heart becoming black once more
The pain and lonliness slowly taking over my thoughts
Looking into my mirror I ask myself a single question
How do you like me now?

the middle...

I awoke with the need for solitude and flew slowly to the middle of nowhere. No blood to distract. No humans... just me and the vultures picking at the remains of what I can only guess to be a buffalo. Exhaustion consumes me. I am not my normal self. I have turned on the blood, I do not want it. I strive for a new life, but do I deserve it after I have taken so many? Are there second chances for the Undead? Agony...

Another...

Tonight seems even less successful than the eve before. I am bored with my mind and curious to know if there is something anything that I have yet to truly find. Is this the life that I will continue through eternity? I contemplate the need to drink tonight. Who really cares? I will not die from one night... I don't know if I can die at all... What I do know is that life has no meaning... I must find something to go on for. (a blood tear rolls down her eye with a sigh of pain and relief)

Bloody hell...

I awoke last night starving and dreaded moving out of my coffin. I skipped the regulatory make up and clothing to cover my true self. Screw it, tonight I fly alone and drink alone! I only tried once to look for Reap, but he disappeared after a quick glance. Fucker! Back on my own I wandered as my insides twisted and screeched for a drop. I didn't feel up to it. I noticed this guy in the alley, trying to get the attention of a girl in ripped nets... He had a real sick smile, dirty fingernails and an ugly gold chain. I wanted to save her from his terrible eyes. I didn't have the strength to bother. I let my veins sink and shriek... tossed a brick through a window, let the humans deal with it. I'm gone.

...

the beginnning...